My Weird Roommate
by AbsoluteAnarchy
Summary: Deidara is handsome, funny, and anyone's dream partner. Why is he still single? Because his creepy, unsociable red-haired roommate scares away anyone he brings to their apartment. The blonde is determined to find a potential lover that will not back down easily, and Sasori is sure no such thing will happen. WARNING: SasoDei. Don't like? Don't read.
1. Cutlery

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Akatsuki or any of the characters/concepts featured. All characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto.**

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'...And this is my apartment, un.'

The man smirked as the handsome blonde reached into his pocket and pulled out a small silver key before inserting it into the lock and turning. Deidara took a deep breath, braced himself and gently placed a hand on the door. But he did not push it open. Instead he stood outside listening intently as if waiting for something. He could feel the guy behind him staring at him with confusion.

The man frowned. Of all the people he had hooked up with in a bar, Deidara had to be the strangest not to mention the best-looking. He softly nudged the young blonde forward, encouraging him to open the door. He pinched Deidara's ass and leaned forward to whisper seductively, 'Hurry, little Dei-Dei…if you make me wait any longer then we'll just have to continue our session from the bar right here…'

Deidara flushed pink and nodded shyly. Slowly, he pushed the door open and shut his eyes tightly in anticipation. A horrified gasp from next to him confirmed his fears. He opened one eye and facepalmed.

Sasori.

The redhead was leaning against the kitchen counter at the side of the apartment, slowly sharpening one of the kitchen knives. He looked up through his eyelashes and grinned like a maniac. He eyed the boy standing next to Deidara and let out a dark chuckle, 'Excellent Deidara, you've finally managed to lure someone decent back here…'

The young man blanched and took one last look at the deranged lunatic in his potential boyfriend's apartment before bolting. He quickly muttered an apology, stumbled down the stairs of the building and ran out the door. Deidara called after him but it was no use. The blonde sighed and turned to glare at his roommate, who was now busy putting the knife back in the cupboard.

'Why do you keep doing this to me, un?!' yelled Deidara, stepping inside and shutting the door, 'I've never done anything to you and every time I bring someone home you always scare them away, hm!'

Sasori gave him a bored look. 'I was just sharpening one of the knives, Deidara. If they are not sharp how can we cook with them?'

'Really, un? Just when I bring someone home you decide to improve the state of the cutlery, hm? And what's with the creepy comment about luring people here?'

'I thought it would be funny, and you should have thought of that before you accepted the spare room…'

Deidara shot him a dirty look. It was true that he had applied for the open space but that was only because the building was closer to his job and he had no other options. He had always known that Sasori was a little odd ever since he had first moved in; the redhead had constantly stared at his long golden hair and even went so far as to ask if he could have a few strands because it 'looked so very appealing'.

The blonde sighed and flopped down on the sofa. He picked up the remote and began flicking through the channels on the television to see if anything decent was on, giving Sasori a sharp look when the elder male sat down next to him. 'How long has this been going on for, un?'

'I'd say exactly a year and a half,' replied the redhead, 'It is very easy for me to keep track of things-'

'How would you like it if I scared away your boyfriend, hm?'

'I don't have one.'

'Yeah, you're probably asexual, un.'

'Hold your tongue, brat. No one would want to be with you anyway 'cause you look like a girl. I'll bet that's why they come home with you in the first place.'

Deidara was silent for a moment and then slowly raised a fist, extending the middle finger in front of his roommate who just stared nonchalantly back at him with deep lazy brown eyes.

Deidara glared at him. 'I fucking hate you sometimes, you know that, un?'

'The feeling is mutual. Now if you'll excuse me, I must attend to my puppet collection...'

The blonde followed the Sasori's movements fixedly with his two crystal blue eyes as the male walked casually out of the room. Then he turned back to the television screen. Why did Sasori have to be such an asshole all the time? Maybe the redhead didn't want a relationship but that didn't give him permission to ruin it for Deidara! Whatever. He would just keep finding more potential partners until he found one that would be undeterred by his roommate's strange habits.

Deidara smirked at the thought. Yeah, he would eventually find someone brave enough and strong enough to not give a damn about Sasori's little acts.

It could be a little test...

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_So yeah, I plan for this to be a short-ish Fic in comparison with my other ones. My friends, which guy shall Dei bring home first to face Sasori? Suggestions are welcome. ;)_

_A review or two is always appreciated but no flames please. :)_

_And always remember; Anarchy loves ya!_


	2. Crosses

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Akatsuki or any of the characters/concepts featured. All characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto.**

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_Special thank you to Kathlan315 for the suggestion. Cheers, my friend! ;)_

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'Interesting, un…'

'Of course it's fucking interesting! I'm talkin' about Jashin here, motherfucker!'

The blonde laughed heartily at his words and they continued to climb the stairs towards his apartment. It was beyond obvious that Hidan was religious, but Deidara found himself intrigued by the uncommon faith and the guy's unique personality.

He was spontaneous, funny and not the type to back down easily.

Deidara had known that from the moment Hidan had walked up to him and insisted on buying him a drink. He had declined at first but the man had persisted and as a result Deidara was now taking Hidan home with him, to talk more and get to know each other.

It was true what they said; if at first you don't succeed, try again.

The blonde also had to admit that he wasn't bad looking either. He had short slicked back silver hair and bright magenta eyes. That, along with his charming grin, had won Deidara over.

Said male stopped when they reached the top of the stairs and the door to his apartment came into view. Suddenly he felt a little uneasy.

Hidan noticed his hesitation and raised an eyebrow. He followed Deidara's gaze and blinked when he saw the younger male was staring at an apartment door, presumably his own. 'That your apartment?'

Deidara took a deep breath and nodded.

The Jashinist grinned wildly and went to go over to the door but was stopped when the blonde artist placed a slender hand on his shoulder.

Hidan gave him a weird look and Deidara gulped. 'What about my roommate, hm?'

'You mean the creepy dude with red hair? What about him?'

'Look, 'creepy' is an understatement, hm. He's gonna do some weird freaky shit and-'

Hidan laughed. 'Baby, there's nothin' this bastard can throw at me that will scare me away! I've been in street fights before! Fearless is my middle name!'

Deidara cringed a little at the nickname but didn't say anything more and took out the dreaded silver key. The two walked over to the door, Hidan practically radiating confidence and grinning happily from ear to ear. The blonde sighed and placed the key in the lock, turning slowly and dragging out the moment for as long as possible.

Perhaps Hidan would be different. He wasn't a fucking pussy like all those other guys. He could handle himself and there was nothing that could possibly scare him away, right?

The door opened.

_Wrong._

Both men froze at the sight before them.

Hanging on all four walls of the room were symbols. But not just any symbols.

Christian crosses.

Every single one.

Deidara stood at the door, gawking at the new décor like a fish out of water. At that exact moment he could have bitch slapped himself. The idea of having a nice evening crumbled away right in front of him. How could he have been so stupid as to actually think this would work? He was doomed. Doomed to a life of solitude with only a creepy redhead for company.

He chanced a looked at Hidan out of the corner of his eye.

The other male had turned a very pale white colour. His grin had transformed into a quivering smirk which was only held in place by his desire to be strong in front of Deidara. For once the Jashinist couldn't think of anything to say and his river of curse words ran dry.

'Ah, Deidara! You've returned! I trust your night was enjoyable. You and your little friend may come in but leave your shoes by the door please. We can't have a dirty carpet now can we?'

The sickeningly sweet voice snapped Deidara out of his stupor and he turned to give the owner the dirtiest look possible. Sasori drifted over to them, smiling softly like an innocent child.

Actually, scratch that, he was smiling like one of those creepy children out of the horror movies. The kind that crawls out of a well and fucking strangles you. Deidara guessed that was as close as his roommate could get to a real smile.

_Emotionless bastard._

The redhead stood in front of Hidan and Deidara, ignoring the fact that the blonde was trying to kill him using The Force. 'And what might your name be, my friend?' he asked, turning to Hidan.

The Jashinist ignored the question, walking past Sasori and into the apartment. He gazed around in fearful awe, his eyes darting everywhere and sweat beading on his forehead. 'What the f-fuck is this s-shit?' he stammered.

Deidara stared in horror and Sasori watched with mild curiosity as Hidan slowly crumpled up and melted onto the sofa. He curled up in a ball, rocking backwards and forwards and muttering to himself like a madman.

It was like a vampire being forced into a meadow in broad daylight.

Deidara was surprised he hadn't burst into flames.

Sasori raised a slim eyebrow. 'Oh dear. How sad. It appears he's broken.'

Deidara turned and glared at him. 'You don't say? Look at him! You've fucking damaged him, un!' he spat, pointing at the silver-haired mess that was curled up on the cushions.

'Me?'

'Yes you, you fucking weirdo, hm!'

'Tut tut. You shouldn't use that language Deidara. It isn't proper,' announced Sasori, walking over and sitting down next to the emotionally deranged ball of Jashinist on the sofa.

Hidan flinched when Sasori placed an arm around him in a comforting gesture. 'Are you alright? Can I help you? You shouldn't be suffering like this.'

'The fuck…is wrong…with you?' whispered Hidan, twitching.

'Didn't you hear what I told Deidara? You shouldn't use that language; it's bad.'

'…Huh?'

Sasori pulled the male into a hug and whispered softly. 'It's alright. I forgive you. Forgiveness is important.'

Hidan abruptly pushed the redhead off him and hissed, 'You're fucking messed up! Get the hell away from me!'

'…Would you like some milk and cookies to calm down?'

'Right! That's it! I'm fucking outta here!' yelled Hidan, standing up and making a dash for the door only to be followed by a confused Sasori.

'But I thought we could pray together and I was going to make some hot chocolate and-'

'Don't touch me, heathen!' screeched the Jashinist, pushing past Deidara and running out of the apartment as fast as his legs could carry him.

Sasori watched him go, a look of fake hurt on his face. He sighed a shook his head, walking back inside the apartment and shutting the door. He turned to see a pissed off Deidara glaring at him.

Sasori blinked. 'Pity. He seemed nice-'

'He was fucking awesome, un!' cried Deidara, gripping him long golden tresses in frustration, 'He was the best one yet, un! And you scared him away! When the hell did you decide to become Christian, hm?!'

'You don't like it? I fancied a change for the better.'

'Really, un? Now? You are such a fucking asshole! I swear I'm gonna wring your scrawny little neck and-'

'Temper, temper. Unconditional love, brat-'

'Bullshit! This morning you were threatening to kill me in my sleep 'cause I hid the fucking remote, hm!'

Sasori simply smiled at his roommate. It was the kind of smug smile that your little brother or sister has when they have successfully beaten you in an argument. Then he said something that made Deidara want to pull his gorgeous long hair out strand by strand.

'It isn't my fault all the shows you watch are shit.'

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_I would like to give my thanks to ninjarism3 for being an amazing help! :D_

_So...the who should the next victim- I mean, potential boyfriend for Deidara be? It can be pretty much any guy. Akatsuki or not. ;)_

_Hugs to those who leave reviews; it is much appreciated, but no flames please. :)_


	3. Vegetables

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Akatsuki or any of the characters/concepts featured. All characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto.**

* * *

_Special thanks to Ninjarism3 for the suggestion. Cheers for the PM, buddy. ;)_

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Deidara smiled as he walked up the stairs of the building listening to his new potential partner talk to him about flowers and such.

It had been a few weeks since he had last tried to bring Hidan back to the apartment and now he had decided to try again, but he never expected to meet someone in a park. He had also never been interested in gardening or plants but he had to admit that this guy was telling him some fascinating things.

Deidara peered at young man out of the corner of his eye. There was only one problem; he just couldn't stop staring at his unusual appearance.

His eyes were a bright golden colour – contacts perhaps – and his hair appeared to have a dark green tint to it. Not only that, but half of his clothing was completely black and the other white. He also seemed to have a slightly split personality, but perhaps the strangest thing was that he wore some sort of head gear that resembled a Venus fly-trap.

From a distance he looked like a plant.

But he was being kind and that was all that really mattered. Besides, Deidara liked the unusual.

That's normal unusual, not freaky Sasori unusual.

'We consider ourselves one with the plants, Deidara. If we could become one, we most likely would. We're also quite partial to lilies but not even the most beautiful flower could hold a candle to you.'

Deidara blushed and coughed awkwardly at the compliment. 'Thanks Zetsu, un…'

'You are very welcome, Dei. Is this your apartment?'

The two male's stopped outside of the blonde's door and the young male gulped. He hadn't told Zetsu about his roommate yet and he had asked Sasori in the morning if he had any plans for the day. In response, the redhead had said that he planned on going out shopping. Well, he called it shopping. Deidara called it being creepy as fuck. For the majority of the time, Sasori would just stand in the clothes department stroking the fur coats.

_Disturbing bastard._

The blonde nodded at his golden eyed companion and took out his key to unlock the door. This time he didn't hesitate and nudged the entrance open. He breathed a heavy sigh of relief when he noticed that his redheaded roommate was indeed nowhere to be seen and walked inside, gesturing for Zetsu to follow him.

The two boys sat on the sofa and began to talk about this and that. Deidara eventually mentioned his love of the arts.

'Art is fleeting, lasting for only a moment! A flash of perfection, un!'

Zetsu smiled. 'Actually we agree. Some say there is no point in transient beauty but we say that is what makes it valuable. The flowers do not last forever and wilt in the cold; that means we must cherish them while they last, yes?'

'I never thought about it like that, hm…'

Zetsu merely smiled and glanced at his watch. He blinked. 'We think we may have to leave now; we have to get home and get dinner-'

Determined to get Zetsu to stay, Deidara grinned. 'No problem, un! We can eat here!'

'Really? You wouldn't mind?'

'Not at all, hm. It's good to have company.'

Zetsu frowned, concerned. 'You live alone?'

Deidara opened his mouth to reply but was interrupted by a knock at the door. Zetsu looked up when he heard the noise and raised an eyebrow. Knowing exactly who it was, Deidara decided to just smile and ignore it. If he pretended Sasori wasn't there then maybe he would go away, right?

Then his face fell.

Shit. Sasori had a key, didn't he?

As predicted there was a quiet jangle of keys from the other side of the door and said redhead entered holding a small bag of what looked to be groceries. He paused in the doorway and his eyes flitted from Deidara to Zetsu and then back to Deidara again. The blonde glared at him.

But instead of fucking things up, Sasori merely smiled his signature creepy smile and tottered over to Zetsu, offering his hand for a handshake. 'Deidara, you didn't tell me you were bringing a guest home. A guest that looks like a…plant.'

Deidara stared at him, not buying the innocent act. Zetsu on the other hand happily accepted the handshake. 'We're sorry, Dei told us he lived alone, and you are?'

'Sasori. Akasuna Sasori.'

'Pleasure to meet you.'

'The same to you. I wonder why Deidara didn't tell you about me…'

The two males looked at the sculptor for answer and Deidara shifted awkwardly in his seat. 'I forgot, hm…'

Zetsu blinked. 'How can you forget that you have a roommate?'

Deidara bit the inside of his cheek. Then he stood up abruptly and his eyes darted around, searching for the phone. 'Well how about we order pizza, un? You like pizza, Zetsu?'

'Well, actually we-'

'Sure you do, un!' interrupted Deidara. He was now walking around the room aimlessly, desperately looking for the phone. When he realised it was nowhere to be found, he turned back to Sasori.

He spoke through gritted teeth. 'Where's the phone, un?'

Sasori shrugged. 'I do not know. Maybe a cat has eaten it.'

'That's not even possible and we don't have a fucking cat, hm.'

'…Which makes this scenario all the more bizarre. Not to worry; I can cook for us-'

'Oh hell no, un!' yelled the blonde. He thrust a finger in Sasori's direction. 'There's no fucking way you're cooking for us!'

Zetsu looked up at him. 'We think it would be nice.'

Well Deidara couldn't really say anything to that so he just stood there, twitching repeatedly. Sasori simply smiled and drifted across the carpet towards the small adjoining kitchen, disappearing behind the counter to prepare whatever poisonous crap he was going to serve them. He never did like to keep people waiting.

Zetsu smiled and looked over at Deidara. He reached out and brushed a strand of blonde hair away from the artist's face. 'How could you forget about him? He's such a nice guy. You can't find people like that very often anymore, can you?'

Deidara muttered, 'He's certainly one of a kind, un.'

He was just waiting for the bastard to do something freaky and ruin everything. He could feel it in his bones. Yet surprisingly the rest of evening ran smoothly. No severed body parts fell from the ceiling, no fires started in the kitchen, and no weapons appeared out of nowhere. Everything was completely normal. But all the while he was talking to Zetsu, Deidara couldn't shake the feeling that Sasori was just waiting for the right moment.

By the time he and Zetsu sat around the kitchen table, with Sasori still at the counter, he was a complete wreck on the inside. Even more so when he noticed his plate.

It was piled high with vegetables and nothing else.

'Sasori, un?'

The redhead looked up from chopping more greens. 'Yes?'

'Where's the meat, un?'

Sasori was silent for a moment. Then he slowly turned around to face the other two males, particularly Zetsu, and gave the creepiest, most fucking disturbed smile Deidara had ever seen. He eyed Zetsu up and down. His voice was raspy and dangerously quiet.

'I'm vegetarian now.'

And to emphasis his point he brought the knife down with unnecessary force, chopping the cucumber he was holding in two. Then he began to slowly cut pieces of it off as though it was alive and he was torturing it.

Deidara stared at him, his lower jaw hanging open, and Zetsu looked at him with wide eyes.

'That's nice, Sasori…' he whispered, shrinking a little further into his Venus fly-trap.

'Indeed it is, Zetsu, indeed it is,' answered Sasori, still staring at the young male with maddened eyes and beginning to advance, 'I love how plants…taste.'

Zetsu gulped and slowly rose from his seat, Sasori's large brown eyes following his every movement. 'Dei, I think I should be leaving now-'

'Why so soon?' whispered the redhead, drifting around the table and wandering after him, 'After all, I did have dessert planned…'

'You did?' asked the young man. By now he had reached the door and was desperately fumbling with the handle behind his back.

'Of course. You are a guest; it would be rude not to…serve you.'

Suddenly there was a click as the door finally opened and Zetsu wasted no time in squeezing himself through the small gap that was created. The sound of hasty footsteps could be heard for a short moment and then nothing.

He was gone.

His absence caused Deidara to wake from his stupor and he shot out of his seat. He marched over to Sasori, his face contorted in rage and his hands shaking at his sides. 'The fuck did you do that for, un?!' he yelled, 'It was going so fucking well! Then you…you asshole, hm! He was really fucking nice!'

Sasori stared at him with a blank expression. 'I don't know what you mean. I was just speaking the truth. I do love how plants taste, and it would be rude not to serve a guest-'

'You fucking implied you were going to eat him, hm!'

'I did no such thing.'

'You lying bastard, un! First Hidan and now this? You're one sick, twisted son of a- where did you get that?'

Sasori pursed his lips and continued scrolling through the texts on his phone. 'It was in my pocket. I'd rather use it than listen to your whining, brat.'

Deidara took a deep breath and laughed dryly. 'You had a fucking phone this whole time and you didn't tell me, un?' he asked, quietly.

'You never asked if _I_ had a phone. You asked for the location of the other phone, the one we both use. Now, pizza was what you wanted to order, correct? I'll order one to share…'

The blonde howled in desperation and threw his hands in the air. He gripped his golden hair and pulled. 'You fucking twat, un! What do you have against me? I hate you so much, hm!'

'Pepperoni, Chicken or Hawaiian?'

'Fuck you, un!'

'Chicken it is.'

'…You said you were vegetarian, hm.'

Sasori looked up at him and smiled. '…No I didn't.'

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_I know Zetsu ain't the most popular, but I couldn't resist. XD_

_Hopefully the next should either be Sasuke or Gaara. _

_Oh, and t__o Guest who said that Sasuke should try and then Itachi, I am so using that! I can't help it; it's a marvelous idea! Many thanks, my friend! :)_

___Reviews would be wonderful and a special thanks to those who have reviewed so far; I shall give you each an invisible unicorn named Steve and he shall appear magically in your garden. :3_

___As I have said in Alpha and Omega, I will try my best to answer as many reviews as possible. Anarchy owes you that! :D_


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